Saturday, April 23, 2011

If I Were a Gay Man

... I would find David Sedaris the sexiest man alive.

He's rather geeky, but I find that attractive anyway. It has been a development in the last few years that I have been inexplicably drawn to men that are pencil-necked, pocket protector wearing WoW nerds I could bench press. Add to that a sense of humor and the ability to make me laugh and I become putty. Silly Putty, to be exact.

On Monday, when a friend and I went to hear him read, he was wearing a bowtie. "I have a policy against the wearing of bow ties," he said by way of a disclaimer, "but I bought this shirt in Japan and it has really big buttons which you can't see if I wear a regular tie."

And with that statement my nerdy attraction gauge registered off the charts.

I own all of his books except for the most recent, Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk. His writing I knew to be brilliant and funny, but hearing him read it out loud added a whole different dimension. During the reading there were moments I laughed until I could only wheeze in semi-silence. My face and my sorry excuse for abdominal muscles hurt after, but it was a good sort of pain.

A Modest Beastiary

After the lecture when I finally had my moment with him at the book signing table, I couldn't take my eyes off his shirt buttons. They were like clown buttons, pearly fasteners the size of silver dollar coins. You could have seen them from space.

I concluded at that moment we were soulmates. Unfortunately for me, he's gay. Which would mean I'd need a sex change to even have a shot. Even then it would be highly unlikely to happen as he has been with the same partner forever.

It was the only time I have ever wished to have been born a gay man.


  1. When I first started reading this post I had to stop and google this guy so I could have some frame of reference as to who we were talking about here.

    I can definitely see it. He may not be who I would pick out of crowd but there is something there.

    Sorry he's gay though, tough break. I know how it feels, I'd marry Jesse Tyler Fergunson in a heartbeat if he would have me.

  2. I'm one for the geeks as well...but I don't know if a bowtie would be the turn one.

  3. Bittner - Were you able to find an actual photo of him? He has this issue with people taking his photo because there were signs up all over the place "NO PHOTOS. ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING PHOTOGRAPHS. PHOTOGRAPHERS WILL BE SHOT IN THE KNEECAPS AND LEFT TO DIE."

    Dani - I was with him on the no bowtie rule until I saw him wearing one.

    Twisted funny runs in the Sedaris family. His sister is Amy Sedaris of "Strangers with Candy" fame.

  4. I love me some David Sedaris too. I am beyond jealous that you got to hear him read. And see his big buttons. I've been wanting to pick up his latest, are you going to?

  5. Heidi - Oh yes. I will be getting a copy. I've already reserved a special place for it on my David Sedaris altar... I mean, bookshelf.