Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Lasagna - Epic Fail

Oh, it looks tasty on the outside...

but it was pure barfy on the inside.

Remember how I mentioned that during one of my more distracted Read-A-Thon moments I baked a lasagna? Yeah, well... it turned out disgusting.

I am cutting myself some slack because I'd never made lasagna before. But I should know better than to just wing it when I am trying to cook. "Winging-it" successfully in the kitchen requires the kind of kitchen-witchery knowledge that takes years of experience to accumulate. To make matters worse, I tried to make a lower fat, lower calorie, lower sodium version.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Lasagna is supposed to be all meaty-cheesy-noodley goodness and require a crane to lift it from the oven because once all the nummy components are assembled it weighs about 150 pounds. If you want to eat a low cal and/or low fat diet, lasagna is simply not the dish for you. Just as a side note, substituting half a ton of low-fat ricotta for the original mozzarella, parmesan, romano mixture is not a good idea. Even full-fat ricotta tastes like ass. Unlike with other kinds of cheese that you may use in cooking, with ricotta, more is not better. It also doesn't melt. It's like asbestos cheese.

Turkey sausage instead of the regular fatty Italian sausage or hamburger? Also a bad, bad idea.

I managed to choke down a single serving (when is the last time I ever ate one serving of anything?) only because I ate it with a side of jalapenos and washed it down with a half a bottle of Shiraz. Imagine that rolling around in your digestive tract all night. Oooh, yeah. I'm lucky to be alive.

What am I going to do with this thing? It feels like a sin to waste so much food, but I wouldn't inflict this stuff on my worst frenemy. Now I am stuck with 150 pounds of crappy Italian food guilt.

This stuff doesn't even rate a toque at all. It gets a BLECH = 7.5


  1. Oh Holly, Oh Holly Holly Holly....

    I just don't know what to say!

    Other then, hey, I LOVE ricotta cheese! Especially in my lasagna! When I make homemade lasagna I always double up on my portions of ricotta!

    I hate cottage cheese though! EGH!!!

  2. Holly, you know I worship you, right? But, um, you need to take a course in gourmet food PHOTOGRAPHY 'cuz that picture alone has scarred me for life... or can we blame it on the resolution? And you're more than welcome to drop your leftovers with my Dad. He'll be thankful to just get something homemade. Not to mention he eats anything - even if it's putrid.

  3. Bittner - Well, shoot. I should've saved the lasagna for you because you would havebeen in ricotta heaven.

    1/8th - Blame it on the resolution. My camera was out of juice and I had to use the camera on my phone, which is terrible. I'll remember that about your dad because there are sure to be many culinary failures in the future.

  4. Heeey!! I missed Holly's return to blogland! But I'm back on the wagon now, thank goodness, cause that first line just made me laugh hysterically. She's as good as ever.